She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
