he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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