you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Randomize
