I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
