im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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