Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
