The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
