True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
i think my cat just said my name.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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