My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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