And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
