If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
