Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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