mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
