My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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