Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
