im drinking this country out of the recession.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
