Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize