May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
