well I can't set my house on fire every night
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
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