yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I think my moral compass just broke
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
