The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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