need another drink. this is the easiest way
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
