Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Welp...herpes.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize