I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Randomize
