im six kinds of drunk right now
what day is it and did you see me today?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
