I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
