very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I woke up under a house in Key West
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
