Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
