She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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