So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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