Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
