I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
