Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
