I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
