Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
