Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm getting married
To pizza
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
