I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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