The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
