Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
