Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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