I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
My vagina just recognized that song.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
