I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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