Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
