He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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