Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize