Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
We got so high we made milksteak
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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