On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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