he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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