Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
