I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
