Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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