sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
bring money and cleavage
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
