Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize