Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
