He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
