I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
