if you like me you must not know who I am
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
