He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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