I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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