Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize