Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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